


Lit You Up Like a Star

by I_am_lampy



Series: Open Your Eyes [9]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Dom/sub, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, John is a Mess, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 11:34:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10875942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_lampy/pseuds/I_am_lampy
Summary: Gerald has explained subspace to John. It sounds fantastic, truly brilliant, but John is skeptical. He can't imagine himself as anything other than completely present in his body and mind. He's not pliant or easily led. In fact, the only person outside of the army that John has followed rather than led is Sherlock Holmes.





	Lit You Up Like a Star

**Author's Note:**

> This work involves John and an original male character but it's told entirely in flashback. Unless you read the episode before it, it probably doesn't make much sense. It was originally a chapter in a work that began with In The Shadow of Your Heart and ended with the episode after this one but it had become too unwieldy so I separated it into parts.

 

* * *

 

 

> **Just for a minute, the silver-forked sky lit you up like a star**
> 
> "The Lightening Strike (What If This Storm Ends?)" Snow Patrol

* * *

 

Sherlock woke John up at three in the morning with a persistent erection. He was very desperate to use it on John. Since the moment they'd kissed yesterday – no, the day before yesterday – he'd wanted them to devote themselves entirely to making up for all the years they were too stupidly busy fighting criminals and faking death and getting married and basically doing a spectacular job of not having sex.

Sherlock had spent almost seven years wanting John, craving John, _starving for_ John. Now he had him in bed and they were naked and they were still doing a spectacular job of failing to have sex. John felt it important for them to shed all their secrets before having sex, a plan of action Sherlock wholeheartedly disagreed with.

John kept saying Sherlock might not _want_ to have sex with John after he heard these so-called horrible things John had done. So far, all that Sherlock gathered was that John had had a wank in Sherlock's bed the day he died, drank heavily and bordered on suicidal for three months after which he met this _Gerald person_.

"Stop," John grumbled sleepily, pushing his hand against Sherlock's thigh to make some space between the two of them.

"No," Sherlock said. "I want you."

"Not yet," John murmured.

"Why _not yet_? You're killing me, John. I'm dying. I am gasping for breath and my heart is beginning to fail."

"Drama queen," John grumbled.

Sherlock managed to push both arms underneath John so he could wrap one arm around John's chest and one around his waist. Then he _heaved_ John against him, his back to Sherlock's front. He pressed his erection against John's thighs and rubbed his hand against John's penis, which was halfway hard.

"Mm," John sighed. "Stop."

"Your cock is very eager for me to continue," Sherlock breathed against John's ear.

"My cock and my brain are not on the same page right now," John said ruefully.

"Does your brain have a handout or instruction sheet on how I can get them on the same page? Just curious," Sherlock said as he stroked John lazily.

"You're impossible, you know that?"

"John," Sherlock moaned against John's neck. "Please."

"Please what?"

"Please let me fuck you."

"No! Sherlock, I've already explained this to you!"

John turned over to face Sherlock who spread out on his back and let his head slump against the pillow. He waved his hand dismissively.

"Continue," he sighed.

 

* * *

 

 

_John follows Gerald up the stairs to the hallway at the top. They stop next to the bathroom door._

_"I need to know before we separate – is sex still something you want?" Gerald asks._

_John nods, his eyes somewhere over Gerald's right shoulder._

_"John, I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me that's what you want. Otherwise I refuse to touch you with my hands except what's required to restrain you or remove your restraints. Is sex still something you want?"_

_"Yes," John says, looking into his eyes._

_"And you want to bottom?"_

_John nods, still holding Gerald's gaze._

_"And you're positive you want the sex in there and not in my own bed? "_

_"Christ, Gerald, I'm sure," John says. "It's not just about wanting to prove to myself I'm gay, okay? It's you. I want to have sex with you."_

_"Okay, that was my next question," Gerald says, his cheeks staining lightly pink. "Thank you for trusting me with this."_

_"Stop being so conciliatory. It's irritating. You sound like my therapist," John says awkwardly._

_"Please, God, don't tell me you have sex with him, too," Gerald says and laughs._

_"Her," John says with a roll of his eyes. "And no."_

_Gerald has a lovely laugh. It's friendly and open and confident._

_"One more thing," Gerald says and John groans in annoyance. "This is important, John. Are you listening?"_

_"For fuck's sake, of course I'm listening. You're standing right in front of me. How could I ignore – "_

_Gerald roughly presses John against the wall behind them and kisses him. John would gladly let Gerald fuck him on the floor of this hallway right now. It's like some hard shell around his libido cracked when Gerald kissed him for the first time and with every touch and every kiss, it keeps disintegrating more and more until John cannot fathom how he could have ignored such a vital part of himself for three decades._

_He and Gerald have discussed the term "bisexual" once and Gerald made his point clear – John's not here to work through the fact that he's bisexual because the fact that John's bisexual goes without saying. John's here to work through the fact that he's gay. 'Gay' is the word Gerald will use in That Room, as John calls it in his mind, and 'gay' is what John will own up to being._

_Gerald leans close and puts his mouth against John's ear. "I can't wait to fuck you."_

_John lets his breath out in an explosive 'O' and feels blood rush to his groin._

_"Now I have your attention," Gerald says, looking smug. "The last thing I need to say because it's important to me is that I haven't ever acted as therapist to my lovers and I don't have sex with my clients but with you I'm going to do both because that's – well, that's just how it worked out. I don't think dom/sub dynamics would benefit you if it was just sex but you're not a client, either."_

_"What's your point?" John asks, hands on hip, his head tilted to the side. "Not to sound like an arsehole but I don't get why that's a problem."_

_"It's not a 'problem.' I'm just – " For the first time since John met Gerald, he looks uncertain and frustrated to boot. "I'm not sure I'll be able to turn off Professional Dom Gerald when I make love to you. I'm not entirely sure I should. It's important to me that you understand what that means."_

_"What does it mean?"_

_"It means – " Gerald stops and looks at John ruefully. "I don't know what it means."_

_"Okay, then. We're both sure about that at least."_

_Gerald looks at him for a moment with one eyebrow cocked._

_"You are a mouthy one," he says._

_John leans close and puts his lips against Gerald's ear._

_"That's because I can't wait to suck your cock," John says, thrilled with the return of his confidence._

_When he pulls back, Gerald's face is frozen in astonishment. His entire body, actually, is still. He takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders._

_"That's – I'll – happy." He stops and closes his eyes and shakes his head. "You surprised me with that. Tomorrow or the next day we can do something like that. Gladly."_

_"Why not tonight?"_

_"You'll be in subspace, darling, a newborn stumbling fawn."_

_Gerald has explained subspace to John. It sounds fantastic, truly brilliant, but John is skeptical. He can't imagine himself as anything other than completely present in his body and mind. He's not pliant or easily led. In fact, the only person outside of the army that John has followed rather than led is Sherlock Holmes._

_"I'll be waiting in there when you're done. Take your time."_

_He kisses John quickly and then opens the door to That Room and closes it behind him. John goes into the bathroom. He follows all of Gerald's instructions. It takes him about forty-five minutes because of the enema which does its job neatly. Afterward John feels completely hollowed out._

_Naked, his hair wet, John pushes open the door and looks around. There's no bed in the room, which surprises John. Gerald has told him several times that he doesn't have sex with his clients and yet John expected to see a bed in the room. There's a platform in the back of the room that's about a foot and a half high but there's no mattress on it, just a thin mat with a black sheet thrown over it._

_The room is taken up with the paraphernalia of Gerald's professional life. Gerald says he keeps it simple. He uses restraints, gags, blindfolds and whips or paddles depending on what his client requires but it's purely dominant/submissive therapy. This isn't about sex and Gerald doesn't classify what he does as BDSM. He doesn't use his hands on his clients so no hand on skin spanking or slapping._

_There are whips and paddles on the wall and a sizeable collection of restraints and a T-shaped metal stand that's obviously used for restraining someone standing up. There's a bench with an adjustable height where someone could be bent over and whipped._

_John forgets for a minute what he's supposed to do and then he looks down and finds the white mark on the black painted hardwood floor. He kneels down on it and then sits back on his heels, puts his hands on his thighs, lowers his head and waits. He hears Gerald come in and John automatically looks up at him._

_"Head down," Gerald admonishes and John lowers his head. "What's my name?"_

_"Uh," John says, confused. "Gerald?"_

_"Very good. Am I a man or a woman?"_

_"A man."_

_John finds himself giggling but when Gerald stops in front of him and he's looking at Gerald's bare feet, he finds himself suddenly too breathless to giggle._

_"Who's in control of your body from now until you walk out of this room or until you use your safeword?"_

_"You," John says._

_"That's right. What's your safeword?"_

_"Blue buttons," John says._

_"Very good."_

_Gerald tells John to walk to the platform and lay down on his stomach. Gerald wraps padded cuffs around John's wrist – they look like John's wearing a quilted duvet around his wrist._

_"What's my name?" Gerald asks._

_"Gerald," John says, only hesitating a second._

_John turns his face to see Gerald attach the hook on the end of the padded cuffs to rings built into the wall above the platform. They're on sliding bars and Gerald adjusts them so that John's arms are stretched all the way but not so much that it would cause unnecessary fatigue in John's shoulder muscles._

_"Am I a man or a woman?" Gerald asks._

_"A man," John says, the answers rote even after only one round._

_Gerald locks the bar in place with two large bolts on either side to keep them from moving. Then he bends and puts his mouth on John's ear, causing a tremor that works its way through John's body._

_"Who’s in charge of your body from now until you walk out of this room or use your safeword?" Gerald asks softly._

_"You," John says._

_"Yes," Gerald says. "What's your safeword?"_

_"Blue buttons."_

_Gerald moves out of John's vision and John isn't ready for the first strike. He buries his hiss of pain in the mat underneath him. There's a cover underneath the sheet, something plastic or waterproof. Of course there is, John thinks. He's sure all kinds of bodily fluids end up on this mat._

_His thoughts disappear as soon as Gerald starts landing blows in earnest. The pain is breathtaking because it's something John knows how to deal with. He just grits his teeth and bears it._

_"Why are you here, John?" Gerald asks and hits him three times._

_John pauses. He doesn't know what Gerald wants him to say._

_"Because you asked me to?"_

_The crop pauses and Gerald skims his fingers up the insides of John's legs before pushing his thighs apart. John feels the edge of the crop tease along the cleft of his arse and he tenses, knowing there are more blows coming._

_"I did ask you," Gerald says softly and plants kisses along his thighs. “But that's not why you're here in this room. So why are you really here?”_

_Gerald strikes John's lower back four times quickly._

_“Because I wanted to be punished,” John gasps._

_"Why do you think you need to be punished?"_

_The crop comes down twice, one blow for each half of his rear._

_"Because I didn't tell him I loved him," John moans._

_"Why didn't you tell him you loved him?"_

_"I don't know!”_

_One strike and a pause. Then three in a row._

_"You know why," Gerald says._

_The crop lands on the tender skin underneath John's arse four times and John is squirming and trying to slide the lower half of his body to one side or the other. Gerald grips his hips and plants them firmly on the mat._

_"Don't move," he says quietly. There's nothing menacing or dangerous in his voice but John obeys as though there were._

_"Why are you here?" Gerald asks, starting the chain of questions all over again._

_Gerald alternates between John's lower back, arse and thighs. There's no pattern to the strikes. The blows against John's arse hurt the least. The backs of his thighs hurt the most._

_"To be punished!"_

_Arse, arse, back of the thighs. Pause. Lower back._

_"Why do you think you should be punished?"_

_"Because I didn't tell him I loved him before he died!"_

_Arse. Pause. Lower back. Long pause._

_"Why didn't you tell him you loved him before he died?"_

_"I don't know!"_

_Lower back once, twice. Arse – once, twice. Thighs – once, twice, pause, third time._

_The pain is receding at this point or rather blending into one great big blanket of bruising, burning, aching pain. John is floating, his eyelids half-open. He's blank and all that he cares about is Gerald and the way John can sense him in relation to John's body, like John is a heat-seeking object and Gerald is the heat he's seeking._

_"Why did you come here?" Gerald asks._

_"To be punished," John says hoarsely._

_It goes around and around like that over and over again, until John is absolutely suspended in a bubble of agonizing pleasure._

_"Do you really need to be punished?"_

_"I - I didn't tell him I loved him."_

_John's voice is barely audible to him. He can hear Gerald perfectly and the sound of the crop against his skin. He doesn't even feel connected to his voice. He doesn't feel connected to anything except Gerald and the crop._

_"Why didn't you tell him you loved him?"_

_"Because I didn't want to be gay!"_

_"Should you be punished for being gay?"_

_The crop falls more lightly on John's skin._

_"No?"_

_"Exactly. You should not be punished for being gay._ _Should you be punished for not telling him you loved him?"_

_"No," John says, finally catching on._

_"Should you be punished for being gay?"_

_The crop is just gently tapping John._

_"No."_

_"Louder!"_

_"No!"_

_"Say it, John. 'I should not be punished for being gay.'"_

_"I should not be punished for being gay."_

_"I should not be punished for loving him."_

_"I should not be punished for loving him," John sobs._

_Suddenly Gerald is bending over and kissing John's forehead and brushing his hair off his face._

_"Perfect," he whispers and kisses John's lips like he did the first time in the kitchen – just a gentle press of his lips. "You did it, darling. You admitted it. No more crop."_

_"Don't stop," John moans against his shoulder, trying to see Gerald. "Please."_

_"Sh, you're doing wonderful, darling. Perfect. We're done with the crop now, though. Do you still want me to make love to you?"_

_"Mm-hm," John says._

_He hears Gerald opening a cabinet and then shutting it. There's the sound of Gerald unscrewing a lid, setting something down and then Gerald's hands are spreading a balm all over the stripes on John's legs and thighs and arse and back. His hands go gently and slowly, rubbing the balm in. It's a topical anesthetic, but it doesn't smell like medicine. It smells like lavender and mint and it feels divine._

_Everywhere Gerald touches, John's skin lights up with pain and then the soothing touch of Gerald's hands smearing the balm. John presses his face into the mat and moans._

_Gerald undoes his restraints and turns John over on his back. John groans at the pain of his back against the mat underneath him. Gerald straddles John and rubs the balm into John's wrists. The balm feels good but Gerald's weight on him is increasing the pain on John's back. John is crying and it feels like he's been crying for a while but he doesn't remember when he started._

_Gerald gets off of John, screws the lid back on the balm and puts it back in the cabinet. He pulls out a bottle of lube and a few condom packets. Gerald puts it all next to John and then climbs between John's knees. Seeing Gerald between his legs starts to give John an erection. He watches John, who watches him back. Gerald pours lube onto his fingers and smears it up and down the crack of John's arse. He does it several more times, making sure there's plenty of lube._

_"You're still sure?" Gerald asks._

_"Yes," John sighs. "Absolutely sure."_

_Gerald leans forward and plants kisses down John's thighs. He licks along the delicate space between John's thighs and his testicles. John moans and lifts his hips up against Gerald's mouth. Gerald pulls John's foreskin back over the crown of John's penis._

_"What a a gorgeous cock," he whispers and then runs the tip of his tongue up John's shaft and then over, his tongue swirling around the head._

_"Ready?" he asks John who's writhing against the mat, heedless of the pain on his back._

_"Yes, yes, fuck yes," John pants._

_Gerald spends several minutes just to work the first finger into John. Gerald's patient in the care he takes opening John up. As he does, he continues taking John through the question and answer ritual of all the things John should not be punished for - being gay, being in love with a man, not telling Sherlock he loved him before he died._

_These words are John's creed, the thing he keeps clinging to as he struggles with the terror that comes with accepting the fact that he's gay. He feels like he's living in the body of a different John Watson, someone he didn't even know existed until Sherlock died._

_When Gerald is able to get two fingers into him, John lets out a groan so loud that it sounds obscene to his own ears. The more Gerald's fingers stretch and probe, gently opening John up, the harder John gets. Gerald takes his time and John feels like it's been an hour before he lifts his head to see Gerald rolling on a condom. Gerald scoots himself up until his knees are underneath John's arse, lifting his hips up, giving Gerald better access._

_Gerald takes the head of his cock and rubs teases it around John's entrance. John thrusts himself down against Gerald who holds him with a gentle hand on John's stomach._

_"Do you still want this, John?" Gerald asks, his face flushed pink. His pupils are so large his eyes look black._

_"Yes, God, fuck me now, yes. I want you. I want_ you _,_ " _John groans._

_Gerald's face breaks into a smile. "Take a deep breath and when I nod at you I want you to blow it out all at once, hard."_

_John takes a deep breath and when Gerald nods, John blows it all out in one lung-deflating exhale. Gerald breaches John's body in one quick but gentle push. Then he stops. John breathes through the burn and sense of invasion, odd but pleasurable._

_"Again, John," Gerald says._

_John breathes in and then out all at once._

_"That's the worst part. You're still sure?"_

_"Fuck, Gerald, yes, dammit!"_

_"Greedy," Gerald says with a wink._

_"Cock tease," John retorts._

_From that point on, Gerald does a two-steps-forward-one-step-back dance between his body and John's, slowly burying himself in John's body._

_Every time he goes deeper, the two of them let out matching groans of pleasure. John wants to keep watching him – he loves the way Gerald's head tilts back slightly and his lips open each time burrows further inside of John but John can't keep his own eyes open. He's only aware of Gerald, the pain of his back, and the pleasure-pain of Gerald working his way into John's body. Every time John tries to push down on Gerald's cock, Gerald shushes him and holds him in place with his hands which are planted none too gently on John's hips._

_It takes_ ages _for Gerald to seat himself all the way inside John and he pauses and looks at John who looks back._

_"You look," Gerald says and then seems to lose his ability to speak. "Fuck."_

_"Yes. Fuck," John agrees._

_Gerald beams at John like he's the epitome of everything Gerald has ever wanted in his life. John smiles lazily back and then drops his head against the mat and closes his eyes. When Gerald starts to move, it's in slow-motion, like they're underwater. This is John's first time and it hurts for awhile but as the pain fades, the pleasure grows almost exponentially. It's a pleasure John never knew he wanted and he wants to slam-crash himself against Gerald. He wants Gerald deeper, deeper, harder, harder. It's not enough – he needs more and more and more._

_Gerald pulls back and then thrusts himself back in and the groan that rips out of John is ridiculous, like something out of a porn video. Gerald keeps a slow, gentle rhythm that drives John mad. Soon, they're rocking against each other, pulling away and meeting over and over again until John has been so far removed from everything except his own body that he temporarily forgets there's someone else involved._

_"John," Gerald gasps and John lifts his head._

_Gerald is flushed and panting, sweat plastering his black hair against the pale-pink-red of his skin. He looks so much younger at that moment and John wants to wrap himself around Gerald. He starts to sit up but then Gerald slips his hand around John's cock. John arches up into it, fucking himself into Gerald's fist, ten seconds away from orgasm. Gerald's strokes are slow but firm and John has descended into a litany of wordless noises. His chest is heaving and he's so about to come._

_Gerald is pushing himself up and over John and his lips are on John's and John is wrapping himself around Gerald, legs and arms, his hips lifting and pushing against this man who has completely changed John's life. John thinks maybe happiness is an option for him after all, despite Sherlock's death. Maybe he doesn't have to spend the rest of his life alone._

_Gerald's hand is hot and firm around John's cock and it only takes a few strokes for John to come. It's a blistering, roaring, mind-erasing orgasm. It pulses with ferocity through John's body and then gathers again and pulses and gathers and pulses, each wave gradually getting weaker, until John is so high it feels like everything has been erased except this moment. His mind and his body and his soul are swept clean of everything except Gerald and John and the pleasure-pain of this moment._

_"I was right, John," Gerald says. "You do look gorgeous when you fly apart."_

_He thrusts twice into John, back arching, as his own orgasm takes hold of him and then_ _his head falls forward onto John's chest. John threads his fingers through Gerald's hair. Gerald has given him something he's wanted ever since Sherlock died – to be taken apart and then put back together, raw and new._

_Afterwards, Gerald leads John back into the bathroom. He takes out a mirror and shows John what his back looks like. John's eyes widen in shock but Gerald's smile glows as they stare at John's back in the mirror. There are dozens of red welts but there's no blood - Gerald never broke the skin. As a doctor, John knows the swelling will be gone within a day but he'll be bruised for a week or more._

_"You were absolutely beautiful, John. Look at you. You looked gorgeous when you came apart underneath me," he says and he sounds so proud that John can't help but preen. He's never had a lover who talked to him like this. "Spend the night with me, my little stumbling fawn."_

_John snorts and then turns around and leans against Gerald, his arms only lightly holding on._

_"Thank you," he whispers."And yes, I want to stay."_

_Gerald doesn't say anything but he kisses John's temple._

_John feels boneless and empty. Gerald turns the shower on and reaches into the bin that holds all the individually wrapped things his clients use before their sessions and pulls out a tiny bar of soap and unwraps it._

_John lets Gerald guide him into the shower. The water against John's back makes him hiss and twist away but Gerald catches him before he falls. Gerald rinses them off, swirling soap over their chests and stomachs. John steals the bar and soaps up his hand. He grins wickedly at Gerald and then strokes Gerald's cock with his soapy hands until Gerald is almost hard again and manages to carefully wrestle the soap out of John's hand with a distracting kiss._

_Out of the shower, Gerald dries John's back with a chamois, barely touching the skin, and then leads John to his bedroom and lays him down on his stomach. He spends so long rubbing the balm into John's skin that John actually falls asleep._

_Gerald wakes him up to dress him in soft cotton pajamas and a t-shirt. John's back burns and bites every time he moves. Gerald offers him two paracetamol but John shakes his head. Gerald makes him drink a liter of water. He sets another bottle on the nightstand next to the bed and helps John lie down on his stomach. John watches Gerald pull on a pair of cotton pajama bottoms and climb into bed next to John who leans forward to accept the proffered kiss._

_John falls asleep almost instantly. He dreams of Sherlock but unlike his usual nightmares, John is able to push his way through the crowd to Sherlock's body. When he kneels in Sherlock's blood and takes his wrist to check for a pulse, Sherlock opens his eyes and turns towards John and says 'I will never forgive you for this.'_

_It will be months before he has this dream again but when he does, John will have already set into motion the events that will lead him down into a darkness so thorough that it's like John Watson is split into three people – the man before Sherlock died, the man Gerald helped him unearth and the man he becomes when he lets the darkness take him. Whatever light he has gathered to himself with Gerald in the wake of Sherlock's death is snuffed out._

_That's almost a year into his future, though. For now he finds himself waking up in Gerald's bed. He groans in pain as he turns to see if Gerald is there but the bed is empty and the bedroom door is closed. Just the act of rolling over is enough to trigger the aching burn of the welts on his back._

_It's glorious and intoxicating to be in pain like this. John's mind is still mostly empty. He's content and relaxed. Everything at that moment is physical – the need to urinate, thirst, mild hunger and overriding all of that – lust. He has an agonizingly hard erection. He almost touches himself but the need to urinate outweighs the need to get himself off. Besides – he would much rather Gerald get him off. Or the two of them get each other off._

_He thinks about the way Gerald looked between John's legs the night before. The way he gripped John's hips so tightly that John could almost feel his thumbs digging into his hips through the daze of pain. He remembers being wrapped around Gerald. John's orgasm starts playing on a loop in his head. He's never had an orgasm like that in his life. The amount of endorphins and oxytocin dumped in his bloodstream must've been immense. His affection for Gerald was sudden and intense and has only dissipated a little. He wants to drape himself over Gerald again, to consume him and be consumed in turn._

_None of this is helping his erection so he stops fantasizing about it and forces himself out of the bed, grunting with the effort. He walks stiffly towards the bedroom door. There's a note taped on it. John pulls it off and reads it._

 

 

> **You were amazing last night. Absolutely stunning. I rescheduled all of my clients for the rest of the day to be with you IF YOU WANT. It's up to you but just so you know – if it was up to me, I would keep you here forever. :)**
> 
> **I'm with a client right now but that room is soundproof so you won't hear anything. Make sure you're dressed when you leave the bedroom, though, in case I'm walking her to the door.**
> 
> **If it's after ten, by all means, take your clothes off. ;)**
> 
> **-G**

_John grins stupidly and turns around to lean against the wall, forgetting that his backside from waist to thigh is covered in bruising welts. He sucks in a breath and jerks away, glaring at the wall like it's culpable. He picks his watch up off the table next to the bed and checks the time. It's half past nine. He goes to take a shower._

_He stays with Gerald that day and the next. The day after John works but it's back at Gerald's as soon as he can pack clothes and toiletries for a few nights with him. He leaves his gun in its locked case in the bottom drawer of the dresser and doesn't think about it for weeks._

_Gerald sees four or five clients a day between nine in the morning and three in the afternoon Tuesday through Saturday. When John isn't at work, he's with Gerald and if Gerald is working, John shuts himself away in the sitting room where they spend most of their time if they're not eating or fucking or sleeping. After the first time, the most physical "punishment" they engage in is spanking and they do it in bed. John never goes in the playroom again._

_The sex is fantastic – John has never had sex this good. There's giggling, fumbling, impromptu handjobs and blowjobs in the sitting room or in the kitchen or at the foot of the stairs. John's libido is ravenous and Gerald mostly keeps up. It's a heady, exciting relationship._

_After six weeks, Gerald asks him to move in and John immediately agrees. John's motivation for moving in has more to do with not wanting to live in his depressing bedsit alone rather than any belief that his relationship with Gerald will develop into more than what it is – affection and great sex and personalities that fit well together. John doesn't tell Gerald that, of course._

_Gerald loves John but John can't love him back. There's only one person John will ever love and that person is dead._

_John only talks about Sherlock at night when he and Gerald are in bed and the room is dark. Gerald knows who Sherlock is, having read about him in the paper. Gerald is a brilliant listener, which makes sense considering his chosen profession, but more importantly, John never gets the sense that Gerald feels like he's competing with Sherlock. For Gerald, Sherlock is safely in John's past. For John, Sherlock will always be in John's present._

_There are days when John disappears inside himself and nothing can bring him out. On those days, Gerald is quiet. On those days, John is stone – hard and unyielding – and Gerald is the river that flows around him._

_With Gerald's help, John slowly begins to accept that Sherlock isn't coming back, that there is no illusion, no magician waiting in the wings for the right moment to appear. John begins to accept that this is what his life will look like from now on and although it can't compare to what it was like with Sherlock it's enough to be getting on with._

_At least until he meets Riley Wilkes._

**Author's Note:**

> I always welcome emails from readers about anything that tickles your fancy, even if it's just randomness!
> 
> archiveofMYown@gmail.com  
> Teddy


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